Instead of writing all my thoughts about my working life (since I do have a life outside of school/students...a fact I often forget), I am going to focus on the simple, yet awesome things that remind me life is still good.

Cheers to friends, baby news, Sharon's homemade salsa, hour-long-catch-up phone-calls, visits by mom, Stoney River's coffee-cured filet, red wine, tennis just-for-fun, the old-school Hamster Dance, photographs, phone-calls w/ the bro, government holidays, campfires, smell of wood burning, gorgeous gorges, rivers & waterfalls, hiking, climbing 1099+ stairs, Doritos dipped into Publix Homestyle Potato Salad, sausages, and roasted marshmallows w/ Oreos.

questions and reasons

I'm not quite sure I can make it through until the end of the year. At least 2-3 times a week, I entertain the idea of quitting, and every Sunday, I am overwhelmed with stress as I think about the week to come. No matter how much I plan, I feel like there is always uncertainty since the kids are so volatile. One day, they are nearly angels...but the next day they can turn into hormonal monsters. Therefore, I can never walk into work feeling confident about the work that I do, because it is all so dependent upon the kids. Deep inside, I envy my friends who don't have to bring work home and are able to fully enjoy the weekends. I envy the fact that they are not emotionally tied to their careers and that there is a clear distinction between work and personal life. And everyday, I wonder if my health and sanity is worth it. Is the job worth it when you have to have a doctor prescribe "tension and headache" medication to help you get by? The other issue I'm having is....I don't know how to relax. I'm always thinking about my responsibilities, and even when I am hanging out with friends, my heart is not completely there b/c the other half is tied to work.

Right now, the only thing that holds me from quitting is that this is my first year. Like any job, it's not good to quit in the first year since you need that one solid base year to kick off your career. So regardless of whether I want to stay in the classroom or go onto administrative or policy work, I need this complete year under my belt.

And if I'm going to stay, albeit a crappy reason, the only thing I can ask for is joy and hope to carry on even though things are far from perfect. And when is life ever perfect? I'm trying everyday to hold on to the fact that despite the brokenness of the students, their families, the school system, and even myself, God is redeeming all of it. When I saw my family during Labor Day weekend, I went on and on about all of the problems with public education, teachers unions, parents, etc., and then my dad said to me, "You need to find your specific calling in that school and classroom." I was confused for a while because I simply thought that my calling is to teach. But there's so much more to it than that, and a few weeks passed before I realized that he was prompting me to think about what I was going to do even amidst all of the brokenness. Sure, I can tell you all of factors and problems that cause public education to be where it is at now, and I can tell you the different policies that need fixing and the various ideas for reform. But what is that going to do to help me get through this year in the way that God desires to see it through? Right now, I'm not in a position for reform. (Practically and realistically speaking.) I'm in charge of just one little classroom amongst millions, and until I am no longer in charge of one, there are plenty of kids who need love and hope to become something bigger than what they can imagine. Whenever I remember that as my calling, I oftentimes don't think I am cut out to be a teacher. I lack the empathy, gentleness, and mercy to be like Jesus to these kids. I don't care enough about their personal lives as much as I care about their academic success, which is definitely a problem.

My brain hurts...

dialogue of 2 first year public school teachers.

6:02 PM C: there is a teacher next door to me who had been teaching 35 years, and she made me promise not to judge teaching based on summerour or georgia

she said this is the first time in 35 years she has hated coming to work
.

.
.

C: i spend all my off time thinking about school

i am incapable of just shutting it out

me: yeah...totally

C: and it is keeping me from sleeping and eating and it is really just killing me slowly

6:13 PM we are losing years of our lives

me: i thought about that too..

6:14 PM im like, "so i wonder how many years were knocked off my life from this past week"

and i even question my decision to not work at a private school

6:15 PM the pay would suck at a private school, but at least i would still have my sanity

C: yup

6:16 PM if i could get benefits i would totally quit and just do private tutoring right now

it's all about healthcare for me

me: lol me too

C: i dont even care about the salary

6:17 PM me: yeah i thought about just working in bakery ....my other passion

C: omg you could totally do it

i want to open a used book story

store

me: sure i may not mold young minds, but at least i am making people happy

C: absolutely

me: oh wowww thatd be aewesome!

C: haha i could have a bakery in my bookstore....???

6:18 PM me: lol let's do it

C: omg you cant tempt

i am ready to start tomorrow

me: alright let's write our resignation letters

6:19 PM C: angela stop- i really will

me: alright alright.

we can't let 7th and 8th graders chase us out

6:20 PM so let's figure out what we can do to get through this

6:21 PM C: these vent sessions are helpful ha

me: yeah they are

C: misery loves company i guess

me: =)

.
.
.

C: this is the way another teacher (who is contemplating quitting) put it to me

if i leave they will replace me with a warm body

i might as well be that warm body

and just not worry about what happens when i do leave

in may

.

me: warm body....as in any person?

C: right

6:25 PM me: hmmmm that is an interesting way to think about it
C: she was like they wont replace you with anyone better at this point in the year

you might as well get paid to just "be"

which is probably fairly accurate

So I will be a "warm body" until I can imagine myself as something more.

At the tail end of this past week, I began feeling really insecure about everything related to work. My stomach just feels sick thinking about going back to school and I've lost my appetite b/c of the queasiness.

What is causing all this? Perhaps it's a feeling of getting nowhere with my kids. Perhaps I feel like I'm underperforming...and not working up to my potential. And probably because my kids are hard to control. How am I supposed to teach respect when it's not taught at home? How am supposed to teach when they forget books, agendas, homework, pencils? Everything I want to see happen and change for the better seems impossible now since the basics aren't even set into place.

And yes, I do realize that I'm a huge part of this problem. My impatience (at times), perfectionism (all the time), and high demands for my 8th graders are probably not doing much good for them. I need to find something good in every student.

Tomorrow, I am taking a sick day to hopefully get myself back together (and also to go to court to take care of a speeding ticket). Sure, I feel like I am running away from the problem by doing so...but I swear, if I go to work tomorrow I will just start crying in front of the kids. I need some serious inspiration within the next 24 hours.....

too tired to write anything these days.

usafa family weekend/23rd bday/labor day

tailgating before the utah southern game.

the freshies marching in.

them running into the bleachers.

perfect jumps.

flyover.

lol. the kid is wearing pads! and you can't see it,
but he's also wearing cleats and holding a mini-football.

brother and his small group buds.



philip's idea of "funny picture" is
pushing josiah into the fountain.



all of the families.

cho.

rock-climber.


fave place to be.

that's Pike's Peak above my head.

purple mountain majesties?

yeah nice hat.

they're matching.


Besides puking multiple times during my flight to CO, it was a good time.

wine for the whine.

So I have a handful of students, out of the 100 or so I teach, who are always resistant to what I tell them to do. I don't know if it's only to me (because I'm a young teacher), or if they are like that at home as well, but I have no tolerance for students who try to cut me off while I'm talking. They do that "ok. ok. ok." thing before I even complete my sentence. And I'm standing there thinking "Wtf. How the hell were you raised like that?"


With that, I had quite a few students today who were in a bad mood, or I should say they were being hormonal, and one of them started crying today. Now I'm sitting here wondering if I'm being too straightforward by telling a student "Don't make excuses." If 8th graders cannot handle hearing that, I think I'm meant to teach high school b/c I can't force myself to coddle students. I'm slowly beginning to set in stone the suspicion I have that this particular team of kids is less mature than the average 8th grader. Too many of them constantly ask, "Ms. Choooo.... I forgot my locker combination." "Ms. Cho! I lost my agenda, can I go look for it?" "Uhhhh. I don't have a pencil." "Can I go to my locker? I left my homework in there."

One student was late from lunch, and I told her to sign the tardy log. Under the column for "Reason for Tardiness" she wrote, "IDK."

Seriously? Am I really teaching 8th grade?

I need a vacation now.